Arriving and living together

The time has come: the foster child moves in - with their own story, mixed feelings, hopes and perhaps also fears. How can foster parents create a safe and loving start? How much closeness is good - what is too much? And how can they work well together and do justice to all family members? This article provides practical tips for the first few weeks and encourages you to become a foster family.

When a foster child joins a family, a special phase begins for everyone involved. A child with experiences, perhaps with injuries, insecurities and big questions, enters a new home. For your foster child, moving in means a new beginning. It leaves the familiar and encounters the unknown - unfamiliar people, an unfamiliar environment, different rules and routines. It is particularly important now to treat your foster child with restraint, attentiveness and patience. Observe: Does it need to withdraw or is it looking for closeness? Both are fine. It is important not to force anything. Allow yourself to go at the child's pace. And show them with your attitude: "It's great that you're here. You are welcome here."

Foster children need one thing above all: reliability. A structured daily routine with clear processes and set boundaries provides stability. Routines such as shared meals, fixed bedtimes and regular rituals help your foster child to settle into their new family.

Foster children often have a stressful history that has shaped them. Some children talk about it openly, others remain silent. You should respect both. It is important not to ignore the child's past, but to think about it with respect.

A reliable relationship does not develop overnight. Foster parents can give themselves and the child time to allow closeness. Small moments together - reading aloud, doing crafts, cooking or playing - create a bond. Even seemingly unspectacular everyday routines are of great importance. Observe: How does the child react to physical contact? How does it show well-being? Trust is often shown in small gestures.

If you have children of your own, the family system changes when you take in a foster child. Your biological children also continue to need your attention and support and an appropriate space for their feelings.

It is not uncommon for foster children to arrive in their new family under pressure and display challenging behavior in the first few weeks. Sometimes the first few days and weeks go smoothly and then changes suddenly occur. These can be sleeping problems, withdrawal and dismissive behavior, outbursts of anger or anxiety. Realize that this is not a sign that something is "going wrong". These reactions are usually an expression of helplessness, mistrust and self-protection. Realize that trust has to grow first.

Foster children have two families: the biological family and the foster family. Every child has a right to contact with their biological parents, provided it is safe, child-friendly and conflict-free.

As long as it does not endanger the child's well-being, regular contact with the biological parents or close relatives takes place. This is certainly a sensitive topic - there are often strong feelings involved on all sides. However, foster parents are called upon to accompany these contacts sensitively and respectfully in order to avoid relationship breakdowns and maintain a positive connection with the family.

Contact with the family can take many different forms, including:

• face-to-face meetings (accompanied or unaccompanied by a professional)
• meetings in a protected room at the youth welfare office or independent organization or alone in a playground or at home with the biological parents
• indirect contact through letters, photos, etc., often arranged by the youth welfare office
• . - often arranged by the youth welfare office
• digital formats such as video calls
• regular contact, weekly or monthly or by individual arrangement

In some cases, contact with the family is also excluded if the child's welfare would be at risk.

Contact with the biological parents is important so that the foster child does not lose its roots, even if it is now living with a new family. However, child-friendly contact is not always easy. There may have been periods of conflict in the past, or the biological parents may need support in dealing with their child. In these cases, contact can take place as so-called "accompanied contact". This means that a specialist from the youth welfare office or independent organization is present at the meeting and provides a protected and safe environment. The meeting usually takes place in a neutral room, for example in a playroom at the youth welfare office or a social institution. The specialist is present during the meeting, observes, mediates and provides support if questions or uncertainties arise. The foster parents are also supported by the specialist in getting involved in the situation. Their own insecurities and fears can be discussed with the professional, as can the child's possible emotional reactions after the visits.

A good arrival begins with many small steps. With genuine listening and a willingness to engage with your foster child. Not every day will probably be easy. There may be moments when you have doubts or ask yourself: "Why is the child reacting like this now?". In such moments, it helps to realize this: Trust takes time. Bonding grows from day to day. Love develops slowly.