Letting go of the foster child

Taking in a foster child means giving them love, safety and security - often at a particularly vulnerable time in their lives. But what if this child leaves again one day? When it returns to its biological parents or relatives or to another form of care? Saying goodbye is one of the most painful moments in the lives of foster parents. And yet: it can be successful - with acceptance of the decision in the best interests of the child, with trust and professional support. This article aims to encourage people to say yes to a foster child, even if they are only staying for a limited time.

Foster parents accompany children for a part of their lives. Some children return to their family once their living conditions have stabilized. Others move into a permanent living arrangement or are adopted.

Even if foster parents know from the outset that a child may only be living with them for a limited period of time, saying goodbye remains an emotional experience. It is therefore all the more important to be aware of this: The focus is always on the child's well-being. And every child takes something with them - a sense of security, safety and loving experiences.

The decision to return a child is made by the youth welfare office, if necessary in cooperation with the family court. Foster parents have no direct influence on this. Reasons for a return to the family can be:

• If the circumstances in the family have improved and the biological parents can prove that they are able to care for the child again, a return is usually sought.
• This also applies to the child's parenting skills. If the parents' parenting skills are restored or have improved, a return will be considered and examined.
• The best interests of the child do not preclude a return. Psychological assessments and reports from the foster parents are often included in the decision.

The return process takes place in stages. In many cases, there are first accompanied visits, then unaccompanied meetings and even trial weekends. In this way, the child is carefully prepared for their return.

Letting go of a foster child is always emotional. Although it is often clear from the outset that it may only stay for a while, the foster family grows fond of it. Bonds and trust develop from shared moments of joy. Many foster parents therefore find it challenging to let go. Saying goodbye means sadness, uncertainty and sometimes worry about the child's future.

The important thing is that foster parents are not alone in this phase. Specialists from the youth welfare office or independent providers accompany them, offer opportunities for discussion and help to make the farewell a good one - for the child and for the family.

When it's time to say goodbye, small rituals and capturing memories help you to experience the transition consciously:

• Pack a memory box together with personal greetings, letters and small mementos.
• "Your time with us": Present your foster child with a photo album or photo book to say goodbye with lots of captured moments and beautiful memories. Feel free to add little notes and anecdotes that your foster child can later read about their past.
• Create a farewell day that is nice for the whole family - not overloaded, but warm and heartfelt.
• Tell your foster child: "You are always in our hearts".
• Keep in touch if possible - for example via letters, telephone or joint activities. In most cases, the relationship does not have to end for good.
• Aftercare: Support professionals or self-help groups can help you to accept the process of letting go and develop new perspectives.

Foster parents achieve great things - not only because they take in a child, but also because they let them go when the time comes. This is not always easy. What helps is to focus on the positive influence that foster children take with them. In a foster family, a child has found a safe, loving home for a while. They take these positive experiences with them into the future - and the foster family can be proud of what they have achieved.