Sibling Rivalry

Sometimes it’s about a toy, sometimes it’s about attention, and sometimes it’s about feeling “unfairly” treated: Arguments among siblings are a normal part of everyday family life. This can often be exhausting for parents, but conflicts are normal and even an important part of development. But why do siblings fight so often? How can parents best handle this, and when should they step in? Here are some tips for dealing calmly with squabbling siblings.

Siblings spend a lot of time together: They share a home, toys, and their parents’ love. On top of that, there’s the constant comparison between the children. No wonder the mood can quickly turn during playtime or at the dinner table: “But that’s mine,” “Karem gets to do that and I don’t”; “Lilli pulled my hair,” “You like Luca much better than me.” Much of this will sound familiar to you as parents.

Sibling arguments are often over trivial matters. The most common triggers for arguments are conflicts over who owns which toy, the favorite spot on the couch, or competition for their parents’ attention. And sometimes hunger, tiredness, or stress come into play, escalating the argument.

However, parents should know: Frequent arguments aren’t a sign of poor parenting, but a normal part of development. Frequent arguments also aren’t a sign that siblings don’t like each other. Many children argue several times a day, and after five minutes, everything is forgotten. Sibling love grows through friction, and the bond in adulthood is often particularly close and trusting.

Even though constant bickering can be annoying, it teaches siblings how to deal with conflicts. This has an important educational impact as they grow up.  

When children argue, they learn:

• to describe their own needs, 
• develop empathy, 
• resolving conflicts, 
• to find compromises, 
• asserting oneself and yielding, 
• coping with frustration, 
• internalizing social rules.

The important thing isn’t to avoid a fight. It’s much more important to guide the situation well. That way, children can learn to deal with conflicts. They benefit when they’re encouraged to find solutions on their own. Therefore, an argument doesn’t always require parental intervention. Often, the argument resolves itself, and shortly afterward, the siblings are laughing together again.

Younger children generally need more parental guidance, but by the time they reach elementary school age, children are increasingly able to develop their own solutions.

It is necessary to intervene when the dispute gets out of hand. This is especially true when

• a more vulnerable child is systematically excluded and cannot protect themselves, 
• the conflicts become more intense, 
• a child is physically or emotionally harmed, 
• there is a clear power imbalance
• or a child is constantly sad or anxious and withdraws. 

It’s very important to stay calm—even if you find it difficult. Parents are role models, and children take their cues from their parents’ reactions. Staying calm is the best way to help defuse the situation.

There are situations in which parents should seek help:

• when arguments constantly escalate, 
• if a child is regularly oppressed, 
• in cases of physical violence, 
• if you, as parents, feel constantly overwhelmed. 

Seeking help is not a sign of weakness, but of parental responsibility. You can take advantage of the counseling centers’ free services confidentially and even anonymously.