Tips for single fathers

Single fathers have a huge responsibility. Fathers' coach Ansgar Röhrbein gives valuable tips for fathers who are caring for their children alone.

Fathers' coach Ansgar Röhrbein is a member of VEND e. V., the German Fathers' Expert Network, and author of the book "Mit Lust und Liebe Vater sein - Gestalte die Rolle deines Lebens", which invites fathers to reflect on themselves.

The qualified teacher and therapist is himself the father of three adult children and lives and works in Herscheid. In this interview, he gives advice on how single fathers can cope well with their new role.

"There is no such thing as" single fathers, their circumstances vary greatly. In your experience, what characterizes the different life situations of single fathers?

You said it! "There is no such thing as" single fathers! Neither do mothers, by the way. It certainly makes a big difference at first whether I find myself in this situation from one day to the next, almost out of necessity, or whether I have made a planned decision after a long process of processing, thinking and negotiating.

In addition, your own condition can also have a significant influence on how you take on and shape your father's role:

• How much am I still suffering from the death or loss of my partner?
• If the former partner is still alive: Is there joint communication and cooperation regarding the children? What is successful and what might be difficult?
• Do I feel more like a loser or a creator of the situation?
• Am I perhaps happy that I can finally take the place in the child's life that I have always wanted?
• To what extent do I feel seen as a person and as a task by those around me?
• Who do I have by my side to share some of the responsibility?

After separation situations in which the father has been abandoned, or after a sudden loss due to illness or death, the father as a man and partner must firstly come to terms with the loss and at the same time support the child in his situation.

In situations that have been cleverly coordinated and jointly negotiated, the father may be more in full possession of his strength and can probably face the task more easily.

Full-time working fathers often struggle with the question of how to organize and ensure good care for their children during their absence from work and who they can count on in their network.

Fathers who receive state benefits are probably more concerned about providing for the family and financing necessary additional purchases or activities, e.g. school trips etc.

When a man suddenly has sole responsibility for his children: What advice would you give him for the initial period? What helps fathers to cope with this?

I find it somewhat difficult to give advice, as every situation is unique and has its own laws. Therefore, every situation needs its own individual, tailor-made solution! From my experience, however, it is helpful for the father and especially for the children in the early days to see what can be retained from the previous routine and what needs to be changed.

It usually helps the children if certain structures and rituals remain in place in everyday life so that they can 'hold on' to them. The family then needs a plan according to the motto "who, what and when":

• What can the father do alone?
• What can which child take on, what can the former partner (mother) or former partner still do and who else will be able to support the family?
• Is additional daycare needed, other times at the daycare center, support from the employer, the family, etc.?

In this clarification and sorting process, a neutral person of trust from the family environment - a (godmother) aunt, a friend, etc. - or a specialist from an advice center or the youth welfare office can often be supportive.

Of course, the father also needs space for himself during this turbulent time: to think, plan, take a breather, recover, grieve, etc. However, it is not uncommon for everyday life to take over the father so much that it is important for good friends to simply come over and "wrap up" the father or bring everything for a cozy evening.

What tips do you have for single fathers on how they can balance family and work?

Depending on the work situation, it was important for most of the single fathers I got to know that they could rely on a stable childcare system that could also react flexibly during hectic working hours. Whether it's a reliable childminder with whom the children can sometimes stay overnight; or 'neutral' grandparents and relatives (on the mother's or father's side) who have their back - or a binding arrangement between the parents themselves.

The more isolated a father feels with the children, the greater the perceived pressure and burden of responsibility.

It is also important to talk to your employer at an early stage about measures to be taken if a child has to be picked up from daycare or school unexpectedly or if a child falls ill in the morning. It's relieving when there are binding agreements that I as a father can fall back on with a clear conscience.

Home office, working time accounts with flexible working hours, etc. are examples of options that can provide more flexibility in terms of balancing your own wishes, the needs of your children and the expectations of your employer.

In my experience, it is also helpful if the father allows himself some child-free vacation days in between, if this is possible. True to the motto: If dad is doing well - the children are doing well.

What are your experiences: Is it quite important for men in this situation to work full-time or which models are still - and perhaps better - viable in this case?

This depends on numerous factors and can only be considered on an individual basis. In addition, single fathers are not necessarily in a world where they can arrange everything as they wish.

There are often numerous structural or supply-related constraints that cannot simply be pushed aside. On the one hand, the financial framework must be right, and on the other, the respective personal needs of each child and the father himself must at least be given sufficient consideration.

An understanding reaction from the employer is helpful, especially in the initial period of growing up together, until things have settled down a little. To be able to negotiate successfully here, it is advisable to think carefully in advance about what I can offer my employer (e.g. working from home or working at weekends when the children are being looked after by others, etc.).

What is your experience with the topic of single fathers and the household, single fathers and caring responsibilities?

In principle, I find the fathers here to be very committed and competent. Numerous studies have shown that fathers are very capable of doing this. One or two of them have their sister help them out from time to time, but the majority of fathers I've met take on both domestic and caring tasks as a matter of course.

Sometimes it can be perceived differently from the "outside". For example, I've seen it happen after more violent separation and divorce processes that the mother sometimes worries and calls because she feels that her child is being underprovided for by the father. On closer inspection, however, it usually turns out that although both parents have different ideas, the child feels equally well cared for by both - just differently.

How do you manage to juggle everything as a single father without falling by the wayside yourself?

Of course, life with children is always full of surprises and challenges, but these are often balanced out by the cuddly, fun and meaningful moments.

As a single father, I am always in the thick of things and primarily solely responsible. This can sometimes lead to you feeling like a lone fighter and reaching the limits of your own strength. In my opinion, this is when it makes sense to think about professional help before the situation ends in collapse. A neutral person who helps to sort things out, understand, mediate, interpret and set helpful priorities can be worth their weight in gold.

Is it a difference for a single father whether he has daughters or sons?

Well, yes, on the one hand - on the other, no. I think there are situations where it makes a difference to both parents whether they are raising a daughter or a son, and there are situations where it makes no difference.

If my son comes to me to talk to me as a father about problems with his foreskin, I probably have an easier time than if my daughter wants to discuss the right tampon with me. Simply because I can have a better say on the first topic. I've seen one or two fathers feel temporarily insecure until they've found a suitable position for themselves or have received helpful support from other female caregivers.

Other issues such as setting boundaries, curfew and PC times etc. probably make a perceived difference at best, but not really.

As the father of a daughter, how do I deal with the fact that she now lacks a female role model?

It's not necessarily the case that she lacks a female role model. Many parents manage quite well to reach an agreement on shared responsibility. If the father now has the main responsibility, the mother can still remain present in the children's lives.

Nevertheless, there will probably be situations that can be challenging for both daughter and father. Especially when the daughter develops into a woman and real 'women's issues' come up. Here, however, I experience many fathers very honestly.

Some say: 'I'll have to do some research first, but I don't know if that will be enough'. Others say, for example: 'It's really not my thing with tampons, periods, cervical cancer screening and stuff, I don't even want to get into that. I've asked my sister if she can clarify this with my daughter'.

So many fathers think about which trusted female caregivers can support them in these matters and thus also be a role model for their daughter (alongside her mother). I therefore believe that in a certain sense it is a question of type: What do I trust myself to do? Where can I still learn something and where do I want to? What is not really my thing and what alternatives are there?

How should single fathers deal with it when they fall in love again?

First of all, they should give the children time to get used to it slowly.

In such situations, the children often experience a chaos of mixed feelings: on the one hand, they probably want their father to have a girlfriend (or boyfriend), on the other hand, they remain loyal to their mother (former partner) and thirdly, they may be worried about the possible changes and renewed difficulties. And many other things that can keep them busy...

From the father's perspective, it is therefore advisable to proceed with great sensitivity so that the children are not faced with a fait accompli from one day to the next. Under such circumstances, a cautious approach and careful relationship building are advisable.

Fathers who immediately present their children with a new mom are probably emotionally overwhelming their children, even if they themselves only want to express their desire for support.

A staggered approach that begins with initial small, hourly contacts and activities and slowly grows with the children's confidence in the shared environment is most suitable without compromising their own desire for togetherness.

What experiences do single fathers have with 'social opinion', with friends, relatives?

I think that depends on many factors. From my point of view, the acceptance of sole paternal authority has basically arrived in many people's minds. However, sometimes with limiting questions: 'Do you really trust yourself to do this ...? Doesn't she need her mom right now?

Many of the fathers I meet have a lot of support from their families. Especially when they have been abandoned. Then it's often the mother who has to reckon with the harsh accusations: "How could she do that to the children?"

When fathers experience criticism and skepticism, this often comes from the employer, certainly also in their own interests. In coaching processes with managers, I often hear that, in terms of personnel planning, they now have another group in the form of committed fathers with whom they find it (more) difficult to plan because they don't know what they can expect and what they can rely on. This creates pressure at times, which (not infrequently) manifests itself in criticism and a lack of understanding. When such comments are made, I like to reflect with the specialists on the added value that paternal involvement could have for the company and the WE feeling.

Is there anything else you would like to say on the subject?

Yes. I take my hat off to every single father (and every single mother) and pay them all my full respect! I know from my own experiences how helpful it has often been when my wife and I have been able to temporarily remove ourselves from certain stressful situations with the children. So I wish all single fathers (and mothers) lots of strength, little oases in everyday life and a few constant, helpful jumpers at their side who they can trust and rely on when they need a break!