Jealousy Among Siblings
An Overview of the Most Important Facts About Jealousy Among Siblings
- A new baby brings joy but also change to the family. This can lead to jealousy in the older child—a normal reaction to the new family situation.
- Children often fear they will be loved less or lose attention.
- Typical reactions include, for example: Anger, withdrawal, or the desire to be “a baby” again.
- Good preparation helps the child better understand the changes.
- Fixed rituals and one-on-one time with parents provide a sense of security.
Understanding and Supporting a Sibling's Jealousy
A new child enriches family life—but also brings changes for the whole family. While everything revolves around the baby, the older child often finds it difficult to share their parents’ attention—and jealousy is not uncommon in this situation. Here you’ll learn how you, as parents, can best support and encourage your child during this time.
New Baby: Why the Older Child Reacts Jealously
When a baby joins the family, it brings a lot of new experiences for the older child as well. Many children look forward to their little sibling and lovingly help take care of the baby. At the same time, however, feelings such as jealousy or envy can arise. This is completely understandable: Until now, the older child was the center of their parents’ attention. With the baby’s arrival, they must now share that attention with their little brother or sister. In addition, the child experiences changes in familiar daily routines. As a result, many children develop a fear of being loved less or of no longer being as important as they were before. At the same time, they don’t yet understand why the baby needs so much time and attention and feel less noticed. Jealousy is therefore a completely natural reaction to this new and unfamiliar situation.
Typical reactions in the older child may include:
- They want to be treated like a baby again.
- They react more quickly with anger or defiance.
- It withdraws or clings tightly.
- It rejects the baby.
- It asks if the baby can be given away again.
This kind of behavior is perfectly normal at first. Your child needs time to get used to the new situation.
What role do the older child’s age and development play?
Children are often about two to four years old when a sibling enters their lives. At this age, they are just beginning to understand what “time” means. They experience the world primarily in the here and now. They perceive many things from their own perspective and do not yet have a clear picture of what the future will look like.
While you, as parents, know that family life will settle into a routine over time, it may feel to your older child as though the current situation will remain this way forever. This makes it all the more important to treat your child with patience and understanding.
Preventing Jealousy: What Can You, as Parents, Do to Prepare Your Child for the New Baby?
You can help your child prepare for the new family situation even before the baby is born, thereby reducing any anxiety they may have:
The Baby Is Here: What You Can Do Now to Deal with Jealousy
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Taking Feelings Seriously
Take your child's feelings seriously and show understanding. Avoid downplaying their feelings (for example: "That's no big deal").
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Showing physical affection
Make sure you continue to give your older child plenty of physical closeness and affection.
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Talk to the baby in front of the child
Show your child that the baby doesn’t always come first. Say it out loud in front of the baby when it’s the older child’s turn: “Now your big sister is hungry and is getting something to eat, so you’ll have to wait a little while.”
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Time Just for the Big Kid
Plan some special moments just for the two of you, and make a point of spending time with your older child, especially during important rituals like bedtime.
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Involve the older child
Let your child help out in age-appropriate ways if they want to. This will make them feel included and like an important part of the family.
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Don't force people to share
Overnight, your child has to share your attention with the baby. So, at first, let your child decide for themselves whether, for example, they want to share their toys with their brother or sister.
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Maintain rituals
Familiar routines provide a sense of security—for example, cuddling when waking up or reading together in the evening.
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Encourage Positive Moments
Praise kind behavior between siblings: “How sweet of you to bring the blanket to the baby!”
What should you do if your older child is rough with the baby?
Sometimes children take out their feelings on the baby. They can be rough, shove, or pinch. This is often alarming for parents. The important thing is: Step in to protect the baby—but stay calm and gently explain to your older child that the baby must not be hurt. Avoid getting angry or accusatory.
Your older child’s behavior usually isn’t driven by malice, but rather by feeling overwhelmed by the new situation. Try to put your child’s feelings into words so they feel understood, but also make boundaries clear: “You’re angry because I’m with the baby right now, and that’s perfectly okay. But we don’t pinch or hit anyone.”
Show your child how to handle the baby gently, and praise careful behavior. Also, give them opportunities to express their feelings in other ways—for example, through movement, play, or conversation. With plenty of attention and clear boundaries, your child will gradually learn to cope well with the new family situation.
Where can we find help and counseling?
If your child’s jealousy is putting a strain on the family, if your child reacts very aggressively toward the baby, or if your child withdraws significantly, it may be helpful to seek support.
Family counseling centers offer guidance and help in these situations. You can find centers near you via Mein Famillienlotse.
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