Making Friends at the Start of the School Year

Peter Carlsen: This is completely normal and affects a great many parents. Starting school marks the beginning of a new phase in life—not only for the children, but also for the parents. This new phase can also be unsettling for parents: How will their child cope in school? Will they be able to meet the academic demands? And will they feel comfortable in their class and fit in? Will they be able to establish a good relationship with their teachers?

Many children also experience emotional uncertainty during this transition because their lives are changing so much. They face a new environment, different children, new rules, and teachers as important new, unfamiliar caregivers. This presents a major social challenge! This transition period, along with the necessary adjustment, often lasts until the fall or Christmas break.

Of course, this varies from child to child and depends, for example, on their individual temperament and self-confidence. Differences in development are normal. It takes some time to build trust in the new situation and in the caregivers.

Some children react more cautiously, while others are too boisterous. It’s important that children show their feelings and, ideally, can put them into words. Then, when they feel overwhelmed, they can more easily ask for help—both at school and at home. Still, most children look forward to starting school and are curious about it!

Emotional insecurities are perfectly normal for children during the adjustment phase. They often react regressively and emotionally retreat to a earlier, safer stage of development. During this phase, children frequently seek more support, warmth, and reassurance from their parents. This should be viewed very positively, as it allows them to send signals to their primary caregivers, who can then effectively address their concerns.

Some children become more anxious, while others may become more aggressive, because they are putting in an enormous amount of effort at school—both cognitively and socially. Clear warning signs include, for example, when a child

• says that they do not feel comfortable in class,  
• doesn’t want to go to school in the morning,  
• develops sleep disturbances
• or reacts with psychosomatic symptoms (e.g., headaches or stomachaches).  

These signals are often unconscious and indirectly directed at parents, prompting them to provide help and support.

When warning signs become apparent, parents should contact the child’s homeroom teachers (and, if necessary, school social workers) to develop a shared understanding of the situation. Possible solutions and resulting courses of action should be developed based on a shared understanding of the problem.

In my view, action is warranted when mild to clear signals from the children are observed for several days in a row.

It is important that the daycare center (to prepare for the transition), parents, and the school form an educational community in which everyone has different roles. Good communication between parents and the school is particularly helpful, as it allows all involved adults to support the children’s development from their own perspectives and to exchange ideas.

Parents can provide targeted support to their child even before they start school. Special attention should be paid to building children’s self-confidence and self-assurance. The foundation for this is a secure relationship (bond) with their parents. 

Maintaining contact with the daycare center is also very helpful, as children there gradually learn to connect with their feelings in a familiar environment and then increasingly learn to interact with other children with empathy—this is especially important for only children. This often takes place through games, small-group role-playing, and the like, fostering a sense of self-confidence and self-determination. Ideally, parents reinforce this, especially when the daycare center and parents are able to communicate effectively. 

In North Rhine-Westphalia, early contact between the daycare center and the school is often planned. These open houses or other opportunities to get to know the future elementary school are very helpful, as the children get to experience the new situation firsthand, which gives them greater confidence and helps alleviate fears in advance. This is helpful for parents as well.

Many parents actively try to foster friendships. This is often supportive. It’s important here that your child is included and that, for example, a one-on-one interaction in a safe environment is encouraged in close consultation with them. Since children are all very different, this process may take longer. Often, the presence of their primary caregivers is important at first.

Getting acquainted early on with various group settings—such as music and arts-and-crafts groups, sports activities, and the like—is also helpful. However, children must be involved in the selection process, and they must have fun and want to go to the group.

Despite all their dedication, parents should absolutely avoid putting pressure on their child or making decisions over their head. This would lead to even more insecurity and reinforce the children’s sense of helplessness.

Parents should talk to their child about this gently in a calm setting. They should take the child’s concerns seriously and be both supportive and understanding. It helps if parents can remain calm and avoid overreacting. In this situation, children need parents who provide support and protection.

It is also often helpful when parents can share their own experiences—in a toned-down way—that had a positive outcome. You can emphasize that other children feel insecure too, even if you can’t tell by looking at them. 

If this stressful situation persists for several days or if there are clear signs of anxiety, psychosomatic symptoms, etc., you should contact the homeroom teacher. Sometimes, it is also helpful to involve the school social worker afterward.

I can think of a good example involving a shy six-year-old student. She was able to tell her parents about her feelings of exclusion. Together with her parents, the girl sought out another girl—who was also somewhat reserved—whom she found very nice. The parents then arranged several meetings between the two and eventually organized a shared walk to school. The two became good friends and felt strong together. Then, after a month, another girl joined them, and they formed a lasting trio. 

If, despite many efforts, no significant change for the better occurs, professional help such as counseling centers or therapeutic support (group or individual therapy) can be a valuable resource.

All parents can help their children strengthen their social development. Mental health is the essential foundation for making new friends at school. 

The foundation for this is a secure attachment at home, which allows a child to develop a fundamentally healthy sense of self-worth and form their own identity. In this sense, fostering independence is extremely important, as it allows children to repeatedly experience a sense of self-efficacy. Parents are irreplaceable as role models for socially competent behavior, as children learn from them how to listen and resolve conflicts. Ultimately, a child should develop the feeling that they are “completely okay” just as they are. 

At home, parents can support their children—especially through various games (exploration games, building games, role-playing games)—to practice engaging actively with their “entire environment” in a playful way. This allows their personality to develop and strengthens their frustration tolerance. There is a clear connection between a culture of play, better school readiness, and the development of social skills.

Overall, it can be said that self-confident children who have a high degree of autonomy and are therefore able to empathize well with other children are well-equipped to make friends even in the unfamiliar school environment.