Sharing Paid Work Equitably Between Partners
An Overview of the Most Important Points on the Equitable Division of Paid Work Between Partners
- Couples’ decisions about how to divide paid work and caregiving have consequences for financial independence, career prospects, and personal satisfaction.
- There is no objectively “correct” model—only one that works for you and your family.
- Those who work fewer hours accrue fewer pension benefits and are more financially dependent. This should be carefully considered and not overlooked.
- For mothers and fathers, a career means more than just income. Recognition and fulfillment are legitimate factors for both partners.
- External child care is not a stopgap measure, but rather a foundation for an equal partnership and an opportunity for the child’s development.
- No model lasts forever. What matters is the willingness to regularly review the division of paid work together.
Who works how much? Here’s how couples find the model that works for them
Family planning often goes like this: The long-awaited child arrives, parental leave ends, and suddenly one of the parents is working fewer hours—without it ever really being a conscious decision. Maybe the daycare spot was only available part-time. Maybe the other partner earns significantly more, or the employer wasn’t very flexible. Many couples only realize later that they never fairly negotiated how they wanted to divide work and family responsibilities. Yet it’s well worth doing just that. In this article, you’ll learn about various models and decision-making approaches.
Why It Makes a Difference to Make an Active Decision
The work arrangement that couples choose after the birth of a child has a long-term impact that goes beyond just their weekly schedule: It determines who remains financially independent, who keeps their career advancement options open, and who will have a sufficient pension in old age. At the same time, it determines how much space each parent has to grow into their new roles as mother and father and to build a close bond with the child. After all, trust and security grow primarily through time spent together in everyday life. Furthermore, this decision affects how satisfied both partners are with their roles over the long term. Ideally, both parents make this decision consciously and after careful consideration. Choices made consciously can later be reevaluated and adjusted together.
6 Questions You Should Have Discussed as a Couple Before Everyday Life Takes Over
Many couples talk about baby names, nursery decor, and the best stroller. The question of who will work how much in the future—and what that means in the long run for the partners, the relationship, and the family—is often put off. However, a fair arrangement can only come from honest conversations and should be discussed early on. Ideally, before the demands of daily life take all the decision-making out of your hands.
This conversation guide for parents and parents-to-be can help you find a good solution. Talk openly with each other. There are no wrong answers. It’s about how the two of you want to shape your family’s future.
1. What are our financial needs—and what can we afford?
There’s more to this question than just checking your bank account. It’s also about who would be dependent on whom, what would happen if the relationship changed, and what level of financial security you both want.
For discussion:
- What are our monthly fixed costs: now and with a child?
- What standard of living do we want to maintain, and which aspects are we willing to adjust?
- What will happen financially if one of us is unable to work—whether due to illness, job loss, or separation?
- How important is it to us that both of us remain financially independent?
2. How attached are people to their jobs?
A job isn’t just about money. For many people, work is an important part of their identity and is linked to recognition, social connections, and personal fulfillment. This applies to both mothers and fathers and is a factor in the decision that should not be overlooked.
For discussion:
- What does my job mean to me beyond my salary?
- How will I feel if I significantly reduce or put my career on hold for several years?
- Are there opportunities in my job that I would miss out on, such as a training program, a promotion opportunity, or a major project?
- What would I regret if I didn’t pursue this now?
3. How do I view my role as the child’s primary caregiver?
Anyone who provides intensive care for a child in everyday life develops, over time, a deep bond, knowledge, routines, and confidence in meeting the child’s needs. When both parents participate as partners as much as possible, this can help them share responsibility and provide care on an equal footing.
For discussion:
- How important is it to us that both parents understand our child’s needs equally well?
- Would it bother us if one of us were to bear the primary responsibility for our child’s care on a long-term basis?
- Do I want the opportunity to closely experience my child’s development through my own caregiving experiences?
- How do we want to divide up the responsibility for care, organization, and decision-making in our family’s daily life?
- What impact would an unequal distribution of knowledge and responsibility have on our relationship?
- What does partnership-based parenting mean for us, specifically, in our day-to-day lives?
4. What are our child’s needs, and what can non-family childcare options provide?
This question is often emotionally charged. But you should ask yourself this question without worrying about social norms and without feeling guilty. What does your child really need? Good daycare centers, child care providers, and qualified child care services are not “stopgap measures,” but places that open up important opportunities for children’s development and learning.
For discussion:
- What childcare options are available in our area? Starting at what age?
- What do we want to handle ourselves, and what can we delegate?
- What is our stance on external childcare?
- Are our ideas here truly our own, or are they societal expectations we’ve adopted from our environment?
5. Who Bears Which Risks?
The division of labor has long-term consequences that become apparent, at the latest, in old age. Those who work less accrue fewer pension benefits, are more dependent on their partner’s income, and are usually at a financial disadvantage in the event of a separation.
For discussion:
- How does a longer period of part-time work affect your future pension?
- How would we be financially if we were to separate?
- How do we provide financial security for the parent who scales back their career?
- What steps do we want to take to balance out this disparity?
6. How do we envision the future in 10 years—where do we want to be?
Looking ahead helps put short-term decisions and compromises into perspective. A mini-job or a part-time position that fits into your family life right now may—or may not—lead to personal dissatisfaction and become a dead end. Both are possible. The important thing is not to leave it to chance.
For discussion:
- What will our daily life look like when the child is 10 or 15 years old?
- Which of us will hold which professional position by then, and is that what we want?
- Are we both comfortable with how we’ll divide our money, time, and responsibilities?
- When will we sit down together to see if this arrangement still works for us?
No model lasts forever
What works for your neighbors’ family may not be right for you. And what works for your family today may look different in three years. What matters isn’t which model you choose today, but your willingness to revisit the issue together time and again—with full transparency, as equals, and with an understanding of what your family stands to gain from it, as well as what you’ll need to accept in the long run. Anyone who does that is already a big step ahead.
Tip: Use Parental Allowance Strategically
How you divide up your parental leave months has a direct impact on your future work arrangements. If both partners take parental leave early on, this lays the groundwork for a more balanced division of responsibilities afterward. Information about Parental Allowance here on the Familienportal.NRW and the parental allowance calculator on the federal government’s family portal will help you plan.
Where can we get help and counseling?
Couples don't always reach a fair solution by mutual agreement. Sometimes, such discussions bring to light differing values, expectations, and previously unspoken assumptions. In such cases, it can be helpful to seek free family counseling. Through the Family Guides here on the Familienportal.NRW website, you can find a counseling center near you.
If you’re looking for solution-focused coaching rather than a counseling center, you can contact a family coach. However, this type of counseling usually involves a fee.
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