When two people in a relationship become a family with a child, roles must be reassigned and “the little bit of housework” reorganized. A roughly equitable division of tasks that both partners are comfortable with is the foundation for a healthy relationship and a happy family life. But often an imbalance develops quickly—and the gap between desire and reality widens rapidly. Below, we present strategies for how you can work together to find a good solution.
“I work all day while you sit in the sun at the playground!” “You’re comfortably watching *Tatort* while I have to sort the laundry late at night!”—accusations like these are a sign of dissatisfaction in a relationship. The feeling of working more and having less free time than one’s partner causes frustration. On top of that, parenting and housework are rewarded neither with financial compensation nor with a career advancement—all too often, not even with the appreciation they deserve.
By the time parental leave ends, at the latest, the question arises: How can work, family, and household responsibilities be divided fairly so that both parents are satisfied? Who does how much housework or takes care of the children usually depends on how work is divided: Does one parent work full-time? Or do both work the same amount? It also matters whether the child is in childcare, and if so, for how many hours a day. Have the courage to question traditional gender roles and find a solution that works for both parents.
But even if one parent stays home full-time, that doesn’t mean they have to take on all the family and household responsibilities. Anyone caring for young children is usually on their feet from morning till night (and sometimes even at night) without outside help. No wonder it seems unfair when the other parent kicks back after finishing work. That’s why it’s important to make family and household tasks visible and distribute them fairly—ideally with a written plan.
A thorough assessment can serve as the basis for your task plan. Here’s how:
Then work together to figure out how to fairly divide the tasks identified in the inventory. When assigning tasks, take personal preferences and strengths into account—this boosts motivation and efficiency. Whoever enjoys doing something or is particularly good at it takes on that task (for example, ironing or gardening). Note in the plan who does what and how much time the task requires. The plan is fair if, at the end of the day, both partners have the same amount of free time left.
Even though it may seem strange to write down tasks and set time limits for them, these kinds of negotiation processes are important for a relationship. Create a relaxed atmosphere for planning together, listen carefully to your partner, and show that you’re willing to compromise. Ultimately, the goal is to find a good solution together. You can read more tips for negotiation processes in a relationship here on the Familienportal.NRW website.
Of course, the tasks listed in the plan aren’t set in stone. As your child gets older or if your professional or personal situation changes, you’ll need to adjust the division of responsibilities. But make sure to keep communicating with each other along the way and take stock regularly: How satisfied are you with the arrangement? Renegotiate if necessary.
If you are unable to reach a satisfactory agreement on how to divide your responsibilities, you can seek professional help. North Rhine-Westphalia has a comprehensive network of municipal and church-run parent and family counseling centers. Unlike the services offered by independent mediators, counseling at these centers is free of charge.
The Family Guide on Familienportal.NRW offers guidance and makes it easier for you to find a suitable service near your home. Quick and easy.
