Fair Partnership

Who does what, and how much?

Text last updated: 2026-08-17

A Good Plan for the Relationship

When two people in a relationship become a family with a child, roles must be reassigned and “the little bit of housework” must be reorganized. A roughly equitable division of tasks—one with which both partners feel comfortable—is the foundation for a healthy relationship and a happy family life. But often, an imbalance develops quickly—and the gap between expectations and reality widens rapidly. Below, we present strategies for how you can work together to find a good solution.

Imbalance leads to frustration

“I go to work all day while you sit in the sun at the playground!” “You’re comfortably watching ‘Tatort’ while I have to sort the laundry late at night!”—accusations like these or similar ones are expressions of dissatisfaction in a relationship. The feeling of working more and having less free time than one’s partner causes frustration. On top of that, parenting and housework aren’t rewarded with financial compensation or a career advancement—and all too often, not even with the appreciation they deserve.

View Roles

By the time parental leave ends, at the latest, the question arises: How can work, family, and household responsibilities be divided fairly so that both parents are satisfied? Who does how much around the house or takes care of the children usually depends on how work responsibilities are divided: Does one parent work full-time? Or do both work the same number of hours? It also matters whether the child is in childcare, and if so, for how many hours a day. Have the courage to challenge traditional gender roles and find a solution that works for both parents.

Raising children is a full-time job

But even if one parent stays home full-time, that doesn’t mean they have to take on all the family and household responsibilities. Anyone caring for young children is usually on their feet from morning till night (and sometimes even at night) without outside help. No wonder it seems unfair when the other parent kicks back after finishing work for the day. That’s why it’s important to make family and household responsibilities transparent and divide them up fairly—ideally with a written plan.

A Status Assessment as a Starting Point

A thorough assessment can serve as the basis for your task plan. Here’s how:

Keep track of activities for at least two weeks: Who does what, how much time does it take, and how often? Note down all activities (including childcare tasks such as “reading to the child”) and the number of minutes required for each.
Don’t forget special tasks such as planning birthdays, filing tax returns, buying Christmas gifts, etc.
Write down how many hours each parent spends on work-related tasks.

Take Preferences and Strengths into Account

Then work together to figure out how to distribute the tasks identified in the assessment fairly. When assigning tasks, take personal preferences and strengths into account—this boosts motivation and efficiency. Whoever enjoys doing something or is particularly good at it should take on that task (for example, ironing or gardening). Note in the plan who does what and how much time each task requires. The plan is fair if, at the end of the day, both partners have the same amount of free time left.

Tips for putting this into practice:

Delegating also means handing over responsibility. That can be difficult at times. Trust your partner to be just as capable of doing something as well as you are.
Accept that your partner may approach a task differently, complete the work at a different time, or need more time to do it.
Lower your expectations as much as possible and don’t be too critical of what the other person accomplishes. It won’t work without compromise and a certain amount of flexibility.
Show your appreciation with sincere praise—it’s good for the relationship!
How about switching roles after a while? Then you’ll see what your partner does.

Negotiation is important

Even though it may seem strange to write down tasks and calculate the time required for them, these negotiation processes are important for a relationship. Create a relaxed atmosphere for planning together, listen carefully to your partner, and show that you’re willing to compromise. Ultimately, the goal is to find a good solution together. You can read more tips on negotiation processes in a relationship here on the Familienportal.NRW website.

Taking Stock Every Now and Then

Of course, the tasks listed in the plan aren’t set in stone. As your child gets older or if your professional or personal situation changes, you’ll need to readjust the division of tasks. But be sure to keep communicating with each other along the way and take stock regularly: How satisfied are you with this arrangement? Renegotiate if necessary.

Where can we find help and support?

If you are unable to reach a satisfactory agreement on how to divide your responsibilities, you can seek professional help. In North Rhine-Westphalia, there is a comprehensive network of municipal and church-run parent and family counseling centers. Unlike the services offered by independent mediators, counseling at these centers is free of charge.

The Family Guide on Familienportal.NRW provides guidance and makes it easier for you to find a suitable service near where you live. Quick and easy.

On ARD alpha's "Arguments in a Relationship" page, you'll find numerous articles with valuable tips on how to resolve conflicts.

Many municipalities in North Rhine-Westphalia (NRW) have consolidated their services and contact information related to family life (counseling centers, parent-child classes, recreational activities, and much more) on a dedicated website. You can find the link to this service for your city or municipality here on our Familienportal.NRW:

Here you can download the communication guidelines, which include tips and ideas for conducting conversations.